Are you sick of being bullied into Christmas shopping for stuff no one wants nor needs? You are not alone! Kaliyoga co-founder Rosie Miles is right there with you…
Ho Ho…No.
I don’t know about you guys but I’m done with Christmas shopping. All those terrible Christmas jumpers that will inevitably form part of the ragged mountain that is quietly decimating Chile’s Atacama Desert. Indeed, the whole Yuletide-must-buy-madness just makes me sad.
Last year my consumer misery reached its peak in a shop called Tiger, an emporium of the sort of useless gadgetry that surely decks the halls of Hell. I multiplied the plastic boxes of glut by the sum of Tiger stores worldwide (856) and momentarily lost the will to remain upright. And as I trailed round the malls of Bristol the offerings only got worse…
A ‘Pet Butler’ canapé serving vest for dogs
A string of Justin Bieber baubles.
A penis shaped gas hob lighter.
A pottery Chihuahua with its own growable coat made of sprouted Chia seed.
Mini umbrellas for shoes.
Crocheted Hats for Cats.
I finally lost my cool and ranted at the other shoppers about unregulated Western capitalism leading to government funded militias leading to tens of thousands of children without parents let alone presents. Then I sat on the floor and cried. Security called and everything. And I didn’t stop crying until some sweet bird of youth from the next door chemist comforted me with a free box of bath bombs appropriately named Twilight Calm.
Driving home, cheeks aflame with shame, I realised that there was no difference between me and the Tiger shoppers. We were equally desperate. Equally delusional. Driven equally insane by the annual obligation of the giving and receiving of stuff we neither want nor need. Almost every woman I have ever canvassed at any supermarket check out during yuletide yuck-fest shares the same dread. Of overspending, of underspending, of getting it wrong, of forgetting someone, or worst of all, telling a family member what she really thinks of them…
So why do we agree to it – this slavish consumption of stuff– year after year after sugar coated year? Look. I get that Christmas is for children. And Christians. But the compulsory corralling of the entire family? Tell me one family you know of who actually relax in each others company on Christmas Day, when each individual’s idea of what constitutes the perfect Christmas differs to the point of violence. Is it any wonder then that assault and domestic murders increase by 25 per cent during the festive period?
SO COME ON PEOPLE! Let’s start a revolution. HERE! TODAY! Let’s replace the least wonderful time of the year with an international campaign to F*CK Christmas and Actually Enjoy Ourselves. You can still shower your tots with presents if it makes you happy but you don’t have to follow tradition for traditions sake. God won’t care. I promise.
S/he’s too busy negotiating the end of days to worry about whether or not you’ve remembered great aunt Kitty’s 4711.
Kaliyoga’s ‘Escape From Christmas’ retreat, led by Kaliyoga founder Rosie Miles, runs from Sunday December 21st – Saturday December 27th.
