Menopause – Does life really begin at 50? Or am I on a luge hurtling towards support hose and Preparation H? Is there such a thing as a non-surgical neck clip to gather back the folds of turkey neck that are beginning to pool around my chin? Should I start shaving? And will I ever front a rock band as revolutionary as The Slits?

These questions concern me more and more. It was all going fine until 49. I could fit into that dress, I looked younger than my years and I could leap up and down the stairs like Bruce Forsyth in his prime.

But now…

One innocent Hob Nob will show on my scales as a kilo gained, I want to have sex like I want to attend a Barry Manilow concert in Reno and birds are more exciting than parties.

What’s worse is that short of dancing round my kitchen to ELO and lying in the bath fantasizing about Rolf from The Sound of Music, nothing makes me feel good anymore.

My kids need me less and less and I’m not your average middle aged, middle class countrywoman – I don’t garden, pickle, conserve, bottle, make, mend, stew, truss, do the crossword, or go anywhere near the W.I

So what else is there?

Kaliyoga’s Hormone Balance Retreats are designed help you find out about menopause, and I’m not talking about running with wolves or sacred wimmin doing sacred things with sage. I’m talking about taking stock and re-framing this supposedly draggy epoch into one of joy and humour as we discover together that just when we think it’s all over, its only JUST begun!!!!!
(cue music by The Carpenters…)

It’s in the trees! It’s coming!

Seriously, I am not quite there yet, so I guess I’d be classed as Peri Menopausal – i.e. totally unfair weight gain, using the words “I LOVE…” and “I HATE…” with as much frequency as my 15 year old daughter, slowly morphing into a man with burgeoning chin, thinning lips and bugger’s grips.

My best friend Martine wrote to me about menopause recently: “I’m not there yet either, but I’ve got a huge dose of pre-menopausal panic going – totally obsessed with impending doom and destruction, fueled by watching my formerly sane friends turning into podgy, angry flushed, sweaty, sleep-deprived versions of their former fabulous selves.” to which I replied: “Fret not sweet maid. You are still unspeakably lovely because of the depth of experience in your huge brown eyes. That penetrative gaze will always pronounce your strength. A survivor’s strength. Now what could be more beautiful than that?”

Hormone Balance Retreat – turning your mid-life crisis into a transition towards a wholesome future

by Rosie Miles, co-founder of Kaliyoga Retreats